


Kate

by iihappydaysii



Series: WaveydaysFICS [2]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Brief Sexual Content, Foster System, M/M, Mentions of child neglect, Parent Phan, mentions of difficulty eating, mentions of drug use and drug addiction, reader discretion advised, this is a difficult story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-15
Updated: 2017-09-15
Packaged: 2018-12-30 03:46:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12100014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iihappydaysii/pseuds/iihappydaysii
Summary: Dan and Phil become foster parents for a little girl in hopes of adopting her.





	Kate

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I have some experience with social services in the United States and this informs what I write here, but this isn't meant to reflect every experience or to be indicative of the foster care system in the UK. This is for entertainment/story/fic purposes only.
> 
> This is week #2 WaveydaysFICS. Go check out @waveydnp 's parent!phan fic.

She never cried for her mother. 

Dan had been expecting it—he and Phil had psyched themselves up for it the night the social workers had brought her to their home—but it had never happened. Little Kate cried, but it had felt like an indiscriminate cry, like a tiny shout into the void that eight months of life had already taught her would go unanswered. But it wouldn’t anymore. Not ever again, if Dan and Phil had anything to say about it. 

Now, when Kate cried, Dan would drag himself out of bed, or Phil would, or they both would, and they’d check her diaper, make her a bottle, hold her, sing to her. It took a while, but eventually those cries took on form. There was a cry for when she was hungry and for when she just couldn’t sleep. There was one for when she wanted Phil to make a funny face and one for when she just wanted Dan to hold her. 

At three in the morning, Kate was sucking her thumb, letting out little sniffles, tiny face buried into Dan’s chest. He stroked her curly hair as they rocked on the chair in her room. 

“Deep in the hundred acre wood where Christopher Robin plays,” Dan sang quietly. “You’ll find the enchanted neighborhood of Christopher’s childhood days.”

“Dada,” she muttered, then snuggled in closer. “Dada. Dada.” It was unmistakable.

Warmth burst in Dan’s chest, though it was edged back by something like fear. He and Phil had talked about this. They weren’t going to call themselves her dads, though it sometimes slipped, until they were for certain she would be able to stay. They were just going to love her with everything they had as long as they had her. It would hurt them all too much if they put a name to that love when that name could still be so easily erased. 

Dan pushed through the frog in his throat to keep on singing that old Sherman Brothers song. Eventually, Kate drifted back to sleep in his arms. Dan laid her back on the crib mattress and crept out of her room, making sure not to wake her as he went.

Dan climbed back into their bed.

Phil turned over in the bed beside him. “Did she go back to sleep?”

“She called me ‘dada’.”

Phil scooted closer, his lips brushing Dan’s. “Because you are.”

“We said we weren’t going to—”

“I know, but not saying it doesn’t stop it from being true.”

Phil was right. Hiding from a name wouldn’t change anything. It terrified the living fuck out of Dan because social services wanted to get the child back in the birth home, if at all possible. Logically, maybe, Dan could understand this, but what he was feeling wasn't about logic. It was that Kate had never cried for her mother, but Dan was absolutely certain she’d cry for him if he were gone.

Dan tucked his head under Phil’s arm, pressing his cheek against Phil’s warm chest. “I didn’t know it was possible to be this scared.”

“I know…me either.”

 

. . .

 

At twenty past two on a Saturday afternoon, there was a knock at their front door. 

Dan’s stomach sank as their corgi Winston barked in response to the noise. Dan shushed Winston and stood from the sofa. Phil didn’t even move to answer the door. He just kept on making Kate’s bottle as if there had been no knock at all. 

Visitation days were always the hardest. A part of Dan had been hoping Jamie wouldn’t show. He knew all of Phil had been hoping the same. Jamie was twenty minutes late after all. It wouldn’t have been a surprise if she didn’t show.

Dan walked to the door and opened it.

The strong stench of cigarette smoke knocked him back and Dan held in a cough. Jamie was wearing a stained t-shirt, her hair a sickly looking dull brown. She had a half empty bottle of Diet Coke in one hand and her phone in the other.

“Hi Jamie, how are you?” Dan asked, thankful for his years of experience putting on a happy face in public even when he wasn’t feeling it.

Jamie just shrugged. “Can I use your bathroom?”

Dan looked over his shoulder at Phil. Phil didn’t like Jamie using their bathroom because one time she went in there and didn’t come out for thirty minutes. “Yeah, that’s fine,” Dan said because he had no idea what kind of excuse he could have come up with to tell her no.

Phil walked out of the kitchen with a white-knuckled grip on Kate’s bottle. “What’d you do that for?”

“What was I supposed to say?”

Phil sighed. “She could be doing anything in there.”

By anything, Phil meant drugs and Dan knew it. “I’m sorry, Phil. I don’t know what to do.”

“I hate that she has to come here,” Phil whispered.

Dan nodded his agreement, just as Jamie was, thankfully, coming back out of the bathroom.

Taking the bottle from Phil, Dan walked over to where Kate was on her tummy on her play-mat. She hadn’t seemed to notice that Jamie was there…not that she really ever did. Kate had never had a negative reaction to her biological mother. She treated her more or less as if she was a stranger.

“Would you like to sit?” Dan asked again and was met with another cursory shrug from Jamie. 

Jamie sat down on the sofa and just sort of looked down at Kate, who was now chewing on one of her feet. 

Dan handed Kate her bottle. Though he usually fed her, she could do it herself. Her small hands latched onto green handles and she shoved the bottle nip into her mouth and sucked..

“I just changed her,” Dan said. “We’ll be right over there if you need anything. Can I get you something to eat or drink?”

“Yeah, you got some crisps or something,” Jamie said, keeping her eyes on the phone in her hand.

“Uh, sure.” Dan shot Phil a look. 

Phil just frowned, arms folded over his chest. 

After Dan gave Jamie a small bowl of plain crisps, he spent the next forty-five minutes sitting at the kitchen table, while Phil kept his distance from Jamie and Kate, as he was supposed to, but still paced around them, clearly ready to swoop in if necessary.

Jamie played a little with Kate, occasionally saying something to her or playing with the rattle or clapping her hands together, but she spent most of the time on her phone. 

“It’s time for Kate’s nap,” Phil said, just after three.

Jamie nodded and patted Kate on the head. She was already starting to light a cigarette before she made it out the door. 

Dan cuddled Kate for awhile, sang her a few songs and then put her down in her crib.

The moment Dan made it back to the living room, Phil was blowing up at him. “This is fucking ridiculous, Dan!”

“I know.”

“That _woman_ doesn’t want anything to do with Kate so why does she even…Kate’s like a toy to her. Like something she can just play with when it’s convenient and put away when she isn’t.”

“She’s…I know…” 

Jamie had an addiction problem and maybe she could get help for it, but she didn’t seem to want to, and Dan wasn’t sure that was the whole problem anyway.

“You think she could at least try!” Phil snapped.

“Do you really want her to?” Dan snapped back, surprising himself. “If she tried, if she just put in a little more effort…if she actually went to rehab…” 

“I know.” He sighed. “I just don’t know how you do it? I mean, I’m normally good at playing nice, but I just _can’t._ Not this time _._ This woman hurt my baby.”

Dan's heart twisted, making it hard to breathe. “You’re right, Phil. Kate _is_ our baby girl. I want what’s best for her, and I honestly believe we’re what’s best for her. If that means playing nice with someone I’d like to fucking dropkick, then that’s what I’ll do. I’ll play nice. I’ve had a lot of practice over the years.” Dan let out a shaky breath. “But damned if it isn’t the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.”

Phil let out a heavy sob and ducked into Dan’s arms. Dan held him, his arms aching with the strain of keeping Phil as close as possible. Of just holding on.

. . .

Their sex life had taken a bit of a hit since they’d had Kate, so Dan was thrilled to be where he was now. Naked but for one of Phil’s t-shirts, head thrown back, Phil deep inside him. He was dipping down and kissing Phil’s wet lips and living for the warm feeling of Phil skirting a hand across his trembling abdomen. 

Dan had barely finished tipping over the edge, rushing just behind Phil, when Kate’s cry echoed from the other room.

“Perfect timing,” Dan managed sarcastically as he tried to catch his breath.

Phil chuckled. “Could have been worse really.”

“Speak for yourself.” Dan was already starting to feel that sticky warmth seeping back out. He was a mess. 

Phil slid out of bed and pulled on his shorts. “I’ve got her. You just clean yourself up.”

Dan was grabbing at an old t-shirt from the ground to put between his legs. “Thanks a lot, mate.”

Phil just let out another little laugh and walked out of their bedroom. 

After Dan cleaned up and put his pajamas back on, he walked across the hall to Kate’s room. Phil was sat in the rocking chair, dozing off, his glasses crooked on his face. Kate was asleep too, happily cuddled against her father. Phil’s left hand was spread across the back of her flannel polka-dot onesie, the gold band on his ring finger glinting in the glow of her nightlight. 

Yes, things had changed between them since they’d become parents. They’d had to give up long, shared bubble baths, three hour anime breakfasts and fucking anywhere they wanted. But it was worth it to have this. This family they were building, day by day, piece by piece. Of all the legacies Dan wanted to leave behind, this was the one that mattered to him the most. 

. . .

 

There was an early morning knock at the door. Phil went to answer it and came back with a large cardboard packing box printed with the graphic of a stroller. They hadn’t needed one this expensive, it’s not like they went outside much. Every time they did they ended up having to lie about babysitting for a friend, but the stroller had a really sweet grey moon pattern, and Dan didn’t have a limit on his credit card. 

In general, they hadn't meant to buy much to begin with, unsure of how long Kate would be staying with them. They'd bought the essentials-- a crib, a changing table, nappies, bottles, formula and food. They’d gotten sheets and a few blankets--her favorite being a mint green one Phil’s mum had made. They'd bought her a few stuffed animals though she'd spotted their stuffed Totoro and quickly taken possession of it as well. Louise had given them a pink backpack full of hand-me downs, which were more than enough, but Dan still found himself making a few too many online purchases. She had to have that Pikachu onesie like _come on._ So now their house was filled with baby things, with Kate’s things, and they had always been a family and this had always been a home, but this was good too. This was even better.

The late afternoon sun was filtering in through their curtains, warming the living room. Kate was stretched out on her tummy on her play mat making tiny cooing noises. It was Phil’s turn to edit their latest gaming video, so he was in the office. Dan could barely believe they were still making the Sims in 2020. It was maybe a little out of spite and sheer stubbornness at this point, but people were still watching. And not just the Sims but their channels in general. It turned out the detractors had been wrong all along, the mystery about their relationship hadn't been what kept people around. 

It had, however, been a while since Dan and Phil had kept a big secret from their audience. They wore their wedding rings now and called each other husband. They were still immensely private, especially Phil, but the basics were known. Regardless, they hadn't said a word about Kate. Of course, they’d tell their subscribers about her if it was permanent, but sadly, terrifyingly, their place in her life, and if they could have one at all, was still up in the air. It didn't matter how many times she cooed ‘dada’ at Dan or ‘papa’ at Phil. 

Dan ran his finger through Kate’s tiny dark curls. “Love you, little Kate. No matter what.”

She looked up at him and gave him a gummy smile. “Dada.”

Phil came in the room, holding Kate’s bottle. “Dinner time!”

“Papa! Papa! Mik.”

Shaking the bottle, Phil sat down cross-legged on the rug by Dan. He handed Dan the bottle and then scooped Kate into his arms. He cradled her, then gave her a little kiss on the nose. Dan handed Phil the bottle. Even though Kate was old enough to drink on her own, it was a bonding thing for all them. Kate had gone without food, Jamie having often forgotten to feed her, so it was a way of reminding all of them that it wouldn't happen anymore. 

Dan scooted closer to Phil and lay his head on Phil’s shoulder. 

Phil nuzzled his nose into Dan’s hair. “I love you.”

Dan just shut his eyes. “I love you too. Both of you.”

. . .

For the most part Dan had taken well to parenthood, Phil too, but some days it was just plain hard. Kate was teething and the chilled rings weren't doing enough to ease back to her pain. They tried a low dose of Tylenol but she immediately puked it back up all over Phil. Then, she just kept on crying. Dan hated that he couldn't soothe her, hated that she was crying, hated that he just wanted her to stop. But he was going on nearly a week with only a couple hours of sleep a day and he was angry and sad and tired. Maybe he wasn't cut out for this after all. 

Dan was on the floor of Kate’s room, holding her as she cried, tears streaming down his own face. 

Phil came in, yawning. “Let me take her.”

“I've got it,” Dan snapped.

“I know, but she’s just as much mine as she is yours.”

“I know that, Phil. You haven't been sleeping either, so I've got it.”

“Honey…”

Dan looked up at him, his eyes burning. “I need to do this. I need to…”

It was so hard to talk over Kate crying. So hard to think over her crying too. It had been days since Dan had had a complete thought. 

“You can do this. You have been and you are, but you're only human and so am I. We can do this, but only if we do it together. Take a break, Dan. You're still a great father. I promise.”

Slowly, Dan nodded and passed Kate to Phil. “Papa’s got you, baby. You’re okay.”

“Thank you,” Dan whispered, bumping his shoulder gently against Phil’s. 

. . .

A few days after that things started to get easier again. It wasn’t perfect, being a parent was never perfect or without its struggles, but they were getting more sleep now and even the harder moments became more manageable when you had a good night’s sleep. 

It almost surprised Dan how easily he’d slipped into this role of  ‘dad’. How protective he felt while at the same time feeling so insanely afraid. If Dan could explain parenthood in one phrase that would be it—being absolutely terrified but always willing to fight.

Thankfully, fighting hadn’t been much of an issue. Sure, they still had to put up with the occasional visits from Jamie that were maybe becoming a little less occasional, but other than that, Dan was just really, really happy with their life. He’d always been happy with Phil, so much, that a small part of him had been scared of bringing another person into the center of their lives. What if it messed up the perfect system they’d had going on? But it hadn’t. Not really. It had been hard, but if anything, the strong connection they had just made this whole thing easier, better.

Kate was currently rolling around on their bed, surrounded by the clothes that Phil was trying to fold. Phil had just finished folding a stack of her little shirts when Kate waved her arm and knocked all the shirts down.

Phil let out an exasperated sigh. Kate just giggled.

Dan walked toward them, shaking his head. “You’re just a little troublemaker, Katie.”

“Like your daddy.” Phil gave Dan a look.

“So,” Dan said, “I was thinking about Kate’s birthday.” He reached down and tickled her tummy. Her tiny hands grabbed at Dan’s fingers, making them feel even larger than they actually were.

“Ah yes.” Phil grinned down at Kate. “The big number one.”

“I think we should have it here, I mean. If we tried like to go some place, I feel like that would draw too much attention.”

Phil nodded. “Here is good. Besides, it’s not going to be that big of a party.”

Right. Because most people didn’t know that they had Kate at all, so of course the guest list would be pretty limited. Just their parents, Dan’s brother, Martyn and Cornelia, Louise and her kids and Wirrow and Byrony. Now that Dan thought about it, the guest list was rather short. Normally, that wouldn’t bother him. Dan wasn’t much for large celebrations, but it was a little sad that the list _had_ to be that short. Kate didn’t really have other little friends and they wouldn’t even be getting birthday cards from their extended families. That’s how quiet they’d been about this whole thing.

“I can’t wait until she’s officially ours and we don’t have to hide it anymore,” Dan said. “I’ve had my fill of secrets for one lifetime.”

Phil gave a small nod as he finished folding one of his own t-shirts. “I say when it’s all said and done we take a family trip to Disney World.”

Dan smiled at the thought of holding Kate in his lap on the Winnie-the-Pooh ride. “Now, that sounds like a plan.”

And it did. But it was hard to make plans, knowing that nothing was certain. Still, everyday, it was becoming easier and easier to make those plans, to think about the future. The little voice in Dan’s head that warned him against it kept getting shouted down by the warm feeling of family that he just couldn’t get out of his head or out of his heart.

Phil scooped Kate up in his arms and squished her against him. She giggled as Phil said, “Family hug!”

This was a Lester tradition that had he and Phil had co-opted for their own family, so Dan knew just what to do. He joined the hug, holding Phil and Kate close to him.

“Family hug,” Dan said, smiling.

. . .

Okay—so Dan probably went a little overboard on the party.  Phil had that look on his face when he was going through their accounts and paying their bills that meant Dan was going to have to give him a nice massage later to work out all those stress knots. But it _was_ their daughter’s birthday and a little girl only turned one once in her life.

Their house was bursting with a variety of shades of purple balloons. He’d hung fairy lights all over the walls and across the ceiling. He’d ordered a bunch of real lilacs to put in milk glass vases and a three layer purple cake with “Happy 1st Birthday Kate” scrolled in beautiful writing across the top of the cake.

Pretty and perfect—just like the little girl wearing a striped top and sparkly tutu who was currently scruffling Winston’s fluffy tummy as she sat in Phil’s lap on the floor next to a towering mountain of presents. 

Dan felt a little flustered and rushed, but he kept reminding himself, just like he had to keep doing during their wedding to calm down, to be in the moment, to pay attention. If he got stressed out and anxious, he wouldn’t enjoy this moment and it had been a hell of a journey to get to this point. Dan was so glad they had made it here. There had been moments, though those moments were few and far between in their relationship, where Dan hadn’t been entirely certain they would. Those moments were distant memories now. Phil was forever, Phil was ‘until they put me in the fucking ground’. There was no question about that for Dan. To Dan, the most incredible part about that was knowing there was also no question about it for Phil. They were it for each other.

So Dan took a deep breath, focused on the light coming in through the windows, on the sound of Winston’s claws scratching on the hardwood, on Phil's deep voice and Kate’s gurgled laughter.

There was a knock at the door and it was Phil’s parents. 

Kathryn immediately hugged Dan, then pushed past him. “Where’s that little girl?” she said, happily.

When Kate saw Phil’s mum, she grinned and clapped her chubby hands, and Kathryn scooped her up from Phil’s lap. Phil’s dad shook Dan’s hand and then handed him a giant sack of presents. 

“I’m practicing to be birthday Santa Claus,” Nigel said.

“Does that make me your elf?” Dan asked.

“I certainly hope not,” Nigel said, dead-pan. “Now, where’s my granddaughter?” Dan laughed. God, he loved the Lesters. 

Technically, legally, Dan _was_ a Lester now. Of course, for professional purposes his name was still “Daniel Howell”, but his passport, his ID, his credit card, they all said Daniel Lester. They’d talked about it for a long time. They considered just keeping their own names and giving their kids their hyphenated last names, but that brought up a lengthy discussion about what sounded better “Howell-Lester” or “Lester-Howell” and Phil briefly lamenting that they’d wasted the mash-up “Howlter” on a Sim. They discussed giving the kids just one of their last names, drawing it out of a hat or something, so in the future, if they married someone with a hyphenated name their last name wouldn’t become like “Smith-Jones-Howell-Lester”. The hyphenated name was fine, but it didn’t feel exactly comfortable, personally, for some reason. The discussion had gone in circles so many times in the year before they’d married that they’d eventually tabled the discussion. It wasn’t until a mishap about three days before the wedding that involved nearly thirty-six hours straight of Lester labor to remedy that Dan knew exactly what he wanted to do.

Dan had taken Phil aside, to a bubble of quiet amidst all the wedding chaos. “I want to be a Lester,” Dan had whispered. “I know it’s a little weird and a lot of people aren’t going to understand, but I want to be a Lester—legally, in _name—_ and I want our kids to be Lesters too.” It wasn't ‘acceptable’ for a man to give up his last name to a lot of people, which was ridiculous as it was something unfairly expected of women, but it was what felt right for their family. It was their free choice. Dan didn’t care what other people thought or said about it.

“Are you absolutely certain? You don’t have to—”

“I want to. If you do.”

Phil had smiled. “I’d love that, Dan.”

So that was it. Dan was legally a Lester, and someday Kate, Dan let a smile curl on his face, someday Kate would be too. 

Soon after that, everyone else showed up for the party too, and the house was filled with Dan’s family and Phil’s and their friends and Louise’s kids were helping Kate open her presents. 

Dan couldn’t imagine he would ever forget lighting the candle on Kate’s cake and the sound of everyone singing ‘Happy Birthday’ as they brought her special small cake out and sat it in front of her. Martyn took video as Dan and Phil hunched over their daughter in her high chair and helped Kate blow out the big number 1 candle.

“Go on,” Phil had said. “Take a bite.”

Kate slapped her hand into the cake, gathering up the cake and frosting and she shoved it in her mouth. Everyone laughed and snapped pictures. 

Even though everything was chaotic and the dog was barking and their whole house was littered with wrapping paper, they still found time to hold each other’s hands, to share to soft kisses, to remind themselves of how good this was, how far they’d come, how much farther they could all go together. All three of them.

 

. . . 

 

A few weeks later, there was a knock at the door. It was Jamie. She came again the week after that and the week after that. In the almost five months Dan and Phil had Kate, this was the most consistent Jamie had been in actually showing up for her visitation. Normally, she maybe showed up once or twice a month, often leaving early. Today, for the first time, she hadn’t even brought her phone. Or, at least, it was tucked away in a pocket and she never brought it out.

Jamie actually sat on the floor with Kate and played with her and though Kate called for Dan and for Phil a couple times during the hour, she didn’t seem upset, just mildly disinterested, but it seemed, for the first time, that Jamie was actually trying.

“Thank you,” Jamie said as she headed for the door. “For everything. For letting me come by.”

 _As if we had a choice._ The thought rose in Dan’s mind and he shoved it back down.

After Jamie left, Phil put Kate down for her nap. With Phil and their baby gone for the moment, it left unfortunate room for thoughts to creep up in his mind, to grow like dark vines. What did it mean for them that Jamie was trying? Jamie had about a year to show improvement, to check into rehab, to get her shit together. Until recently, she hadn’t shown any sign of wanting to do that. Of course, the goal of social services was to get children back with their birth parents, if at all possible, but Kate’s social worker had never been particularly optimistic about that. She hadn’t said anything, not directly, but her tone and the way she spoke to Dan and Phil about their relationship with Kate had always made him feel just a little more confident. But now, he wasn’t so sure.

Phil came back into the room, yawning. “We should probably try to film a vid while she’s asleep. Something easy maybe. Another Mario Kart.”

Dan heard him but his mind was spinning with too many other thoughts for him to figure out how to reply.

“Dan?” Phil asked, stepping closer.

“Sorry…I, uh, yeah we should do that.”

Phil laid a hand on Dan’s shoulder. “Is something wrong?”

“I…it’s not,” he sighed, “it’s nothing.”

Phil gave him that look. “Dan, I know you. It’s not nothing.”

Running a hand over his face, Dan forced out another breath. He had to tell himself to breathe out whenever his anxiety would start to go up. “It’s just Jamie. She’s different you know? Better, maybe?”

“A little, I guess,” Phil shrugged. “She’s not on her phone anymore.”

“She’s talks more too, more clearly maybe, and she interacts with Kate more and she’s stopped trying to light up cigarettes in our house or sneaking off for long, weird bathroom sessions or whatever the hell she was doing.”

“She still hasn’t gone to rehab. She needs a job and who even knows where she’s living right now? In her car? With a friend who also has drug issues? It’s not as simple as  a slight shift in her behavior.” Phil slid his arms around Dan’s waist and Dan easily gave into the hug. “Everything’s going to be just fine.”

The very next week, Dan’s phone rang. It was Kate’s social worker.

“Hello, Marybeth,” he said as he answered it. 

“Hi, Dan,” she replied. “I just wanted to let you know that Jamie won’t be able to make it to her visitation today.”

“Okay…” Dan said, a little nervously. Jamie normally didn’t inform them in advance when she wasn’t going to show up and if she did, she had Dan and Phil’s numbers so she just texted them.

“Yes, um, she won’t be able to come to any of her visitations for a while.”

Dan stiffened. Had something happened to Jamie? Had she gotten arrested or ended up in the hospital? “What’s wrong?” Dan asked.

“Nothing. Jamie’s just checked into the rehab, that’s all.”

Dan drew in a sharp breath, his legs shaking a little. He leaned back against the wall for support. “She has?”

“Yes, it’s a good program,” Marybeth said. “I’m hopeful.”

“Right,” Dan said, his voice feeling distant. “That’s good. Keep us posted. Thank you for calling.” 

“Of course,” Marybeth said. “I hope that little girl’s doing well. I’ll see Kate next week, okay?”

“See you then.” Dan hung up the phone and tried to even out his breathing. Tried to understand this tangle of emotions in his head, tried not to hate himself for the sinking feeling of dread and disappointment. Jamie was a person, a sick person, who was getting the help she needed, right? But Dan wanted to cry, wanted to punch something. What was wrong with him?

His thoughts were interrupted by Phil making an airplane sound as he came rushing into the living room. He was holding Kate who was holding her arms out and smiling. 

“Oh no,” Phil said, turning towards Dan. “You’re headed straight towards the giant Daddy mountain. The tallest mountain in all London!” He softly crashed Kate into Dan’s chest and Dan barely registered her giggle.

Phil got a puzzled look on his face and hoisted Kate onto his side. “What is it?” he asked Dan.

Kate tugged at Phil’s shirt sleeve. “Papa, Papa. Mo.”

“One sec, Katie,” he said. “Dan…you look really pale.”

“Marybeth called. Jamie checked into rehab.”

Dan’s words were met with silence which definitely did not make him feel any better.

“You have anything to say about that?” Dan asked.

Phil’s jaw visibly tightened. “What am I supposed to say?”

“Papa, Papa,” Kate said, and then tried to make the airplane noise Phil had just been making. 

“I don’t know,” Dan whispered. He didn’t know what to say or how to think or what to feel. He just knew he loved the little girl in Phil’s arms and the thought of not being her daddy felt a lot like how he imagined it would feel to learn you were dying. 

“Let’s not talk about it in front of Kate.”

Dan nodded and reached out for Kate, who immediately reached back for him. He pulled her against his chest. holding her tight with his hands. He didn’t say anything, just shut his eyes and gently rested his head on top of hers.

. . .

While Jamie was in rehab, everything at home looked like normal, like what it could be someday, what it was supposed to be, but it all felt wrong. These daily things—feeding Kate, changing her, singing her songs before bed, pouring bubbles into her bath—they weren’t the kind of things that were supposed to have a time limit. Life in their family had started to feeling like a ticking time bomb.

“What do you want for dinner?” Phil asked.

“Hmm…” Dan looked up from Kate, who he was gently bouncing on his knee.

“Dinner?” Phil asked. “Just curious what you want. We could order in…I could make you something…”

Dan shook his head. “Get whatever you’d like. I’m not really hungry.”

Phil frowned. “You’re never hungry.”

It was true. Dan wasn’t eating well, or much. He could go entire days without eating—days where it didn’t even cross his mind that he was hungry at all or that he should eat, that it was the thing to do.

Dan lived in a constant state of unease now—a gnarly pit in his stomach that almost never went away. There were moments where he’d forget. It would all feel normal and easy, just him, Phil and Kate, but those moments were the worst because when he remembered that this could all be over soon, the pain came rushing back in like a flash flood. It was somehow less painful, in the end, Dan thought, to remain constantly aware of the possibility of losing Kate.

Sometimes, when it really hurt, Dan entertained the idea that it would be easier to just know, to be rid of the uncertainty. 

He was wrong.

The month passed and Jamie was released from rehab and began her scheduled visits again. She was still tired-looking, quiet, but more pleasant than she’d been in the past, and more engaged with Kate than she’d been before, though Dan would say the connection between the two was still lacking, still stilted. But she came every week religiously. There was more she had to do than just finish rehab and come to her visits. She had to get an apartment, a job, that sort of thing. That wasn’t easy and Dan had no idea if she’d made progress in that department one way or another. Marybeth wouldn’t say, and neither did Jamie.

They’d had Kate for a little more than half her life when they got the phone call.

Dan had just finished buttoning up her grey wool coat. She had a fox beanie pulled over her head, some jean leggings and soft, leather boots. There was a nip in the air outside, but they’d promised her she could go out in the garden and jump in the leaves. 

Kate wobbled on her feet, tugging on Dan’s finger, as she headed toward the garden doors, giggling. “Jump, jump, jump!” she said excitedly.

Phil was putting on his own coat when his phone rang. He answered it. “Hello…oh hi, how are you?” There was quite a bit of silence, Phil’s expression stiffening. “Right,” he said. “Mmhm.”

Dan’s stomach started to churn. He could read Phil well after all these years and something was not right.

“When?” Phil asked, his voice cold. “And there’s nothing we can…right, no, I know. I know.”

Dan had rooted to the spot, despite Kate still tugging on his finger.

“Dada,” she whined, but he couldn't move.

Phil was bracing himself against their breakfast bar. “Yes, I…I understand. Goodbye.” His hand was trembling as he hung up the phone. 

Dan was about to ask Phil what the call was about when Phil just dropped to the ground like he’d been cut off at the knees.

“ _Phil,_ ” Dan’s voice broke as he rushed over to him. “Phil?”

Tears were rolling down Phil’s cheeks, leaving wet trails. Dan could count on his fingers the number of times he’d seen Phil cry since they’d been together. Whatever this was, it had to be devastating.

Kate had come over too, her little lips frowning. She nudged Phil’s arm. “Papa. Papa?” She looked at Dan, a tiny, somehow worried face. “Papa cry.”

“What happened?” Dan managed. “What is it?”

“That was Marybeth,” Phil choked.

_Oh God. Oh no. It can’t…_

“They're giving custody back to Jamie. End of the week,” Phil said. 

Dan could hear the blood rushing in his head, a horrible, sick white noise. He stumbled forward, dropping to the ground in front of Phil. “They can’t…they…” But they could, they always could. They’d been stupid to forget it for even a moment.

Dan’s eyes burned as tears escaped. He leaned his forehead against Phil’s bent knees. They were supposed to be playing in the leaves with their daughter right now, not falling to pieces on the kitchen floor because they were losing her.

Poor, innocent Kate was stood by them. She pressed up against Dan’s arm. “Dada, Dada. No cry.”

Dan scooped Kate into his arms and cradled her against his chest, unable to hold back the tears.

He couldn’t do anything but mutter. “I love you. I’m so sorry.” Over and over and over.

. . .

The following week was, without a doubt, the absolute worst week of Dan’s life. It was the same for Phil. They walked the house like zombies, and they tried to put on their best faces for Kate because she had no idea what was going on, no idea everything in her life was about to disappear.

No more jumping on daddies’ bed. No more silly faces from Papa. No more ruffling Winston’s furry tummy. No more Daddy to wipe her tears or sing her to sleep. It was all about to be gone.

Phil tried to pack her things—so did Dan—but every time they did, they’d start to break down. They hadn’t made a video or posted on social media since they’d gotten the phone call from Marybeth. They also refused to answer phone calls from friends. Phil wouldn’t even talk to his mum. They’d have to tell everyone at some point, but they couldn’t yet. They just couldn’t. 

They could tell that Kate was starting to get an idea that something was wrong. Of course, she didn’t know what, but she was even clingier than normal, and would wake up in the middle of the night crying. Something she’d gotten over recently. 

Not that Dan minded—or Phil for that matter. Every second they had left with her was a gift, even though they knew that in just a few days they’d probably never see her again. Dan found himself hurting, for himself, for Phil, but mostly for Kate. They were just going to be gone and she’d never understand why. Maybe she’d think they didn't want her anymore…could she even think that? Whatever she thought, Dan knew Kate would miss him, would be scared or sad or upset and cry out for him and he wouldn’t be there to comfort her? How was he supposed to be able to live with that?

Maybe it would have been easier if they’d kept their walls up from the beginning. If they’d corrected her when she called him Dada or Phil Papa, but she was just so small, so frightened, she needed something, someone, to love her and Dan couldn’t have denied her that, couldn’t have shut her out like that. This was his baby girl. It would have been impossible. 

Finally, Friday night, Dan and Phil had to do it. Kate had dozed off in their room and they knew Jamie was scheduled to come by to pick up Kate by noon the next day, so they grabbed a duffle bag and filled it with her clothes. Her fluffy sweaters, her Pooh pajamas, her Pikachu onesie. 

They tried not to think about it. They didn’t go slow. It was liking holding their breaths and diving underwater. They tossed the clothes into the bag, the remaining nappies, her sippy cups, most of her toys and then Phil picked up their stuffed Totoro.

“Umm.” Phil looked down at the toy. “What do you want to do with this?”

Of course, it was theirs from before Kate. From long before Kate. But she just loved it so much…

“Put it in the bag. She’ll need it.”

Phil nodded, gave the Totoro one last look and stuffed it in the bag with everything else. With that, he zipped it up and tossed the bag in the corner of the room. 

“Phil?” Dan’s voice was a barely there whisper.

“Yeah…”

“How do I…like I’m not even sure how I keep breathing?”

Phil looked straight at Dan, his face flat and unreadable. “I don’t know…I wish I…I don’t know.”

They cried themselves to sleep that night.

The next morning, Dan dressed Kate. His hands were shaking and tears were dripping down his cheeks. She wiped them away for him with her tiny fingers. 

“Dada, cry.”

He couldn’t form any words beyond, “I’m sorry. I love you.” Those felt like the only words he knew anymore. 

It was a chilly day outside so Dan made sure to bundle Kate up in her pastel pink jumper and fuzzy socks. He had her boots, scarf and gloves all ready to go. 

Dan and Phil spent most of that morning on the sofa, holding on to Kate, holding on to each other. Phil picked her up one last time and flew her around the living room, he crashed her one last time into ‘Giant Daddy Mountain’. Dan held her in his arms and fed her a bottle. He looked down at her happy face and sang the words one last time, “Deep in the hundred acre woods, where Christopher Robin plays. You’ll find the enchanted neighborhood of Christopher’s childhood days.”

When the song was over, Dan’s cheeks burned with tears. He kissed his little girl on her nose. “Love you, Kate.”

She sat up and kissed him on the nose too. “Wuv you, Dada,” she said.

Those words knocked the breath out of Dan—he felt like they’d stopped his heart. It was the first time she’d ever said anything like that. 

He didn’t tell Phil, who’d gone to get her bottle. He couldn’t.

It was 12:32 when there was a knock at the door. Dan imagined that as long as he lived he’d never forget that time. Like a dead man, he shuffled to the door and opened it. Phil stood at his side, hand on his back. Kate toddled over and looked up at Jamie, but with little interest. Marybeth was there too. Dan thought they may have exchanged pleasantries, but he didn’t really know, it didn’t matter.

“She likes her milk a little warm,” Dan said. “And if she cries at night, she probably wants you to sing to her. I sing to her a lot. She likes the Winnie-the-Pooh song.”

“Pooh.” Kate clapped. “Pooh bear.”

“Her blankie’s in the bag. There’s two in there, but she can’t sleep without the purple one,” Phil added, his voice tight. Dan could tell he was on the verge of tears.

“O-okay.” Jamie nodded.

Dan put on Kate’s coat and gloves, bundled her all up. He settled the hat down around her forehead, then knelt down in front of her. Phil crouched down by Dan’s side.

“We love you,” Phil said.

Dan just nodded, too choked up to speak. He’d already said this anyway.

Kate smiled, then darted forward, wrapping her arms around Phil. Phil let out a small sob and hugged her back. 

She stuck out her little arm and looked over at Dan. “Famy hug,” she said.

With a shaky breath, Dan leaned into the hug and held both Phil and little Kate into his arms for the last time. 

He shut his eyes and whispered back to Kate, “Family hug.”

Dan didn’t let go of Kate. It was Marybeth’s hands that gently pulled her away. It was Marybeth who lifted Kate from the floor and put her in Jamie’s arms, leaving Dan and Phil on the floor. 

“Where go?” Kate said.

“Home,” Marybeth replied.

“Home with Mommy.” Jamie brushed a curl away from Kate’s eyes.

“No home now. Daddies home.”

Dan couldn’t move off the ground, let alone speak. Phil seemed just as stone-frozen beside him.

“Just go, Jamie,” Marybeth said. “If you drag it out, it’s harder.”

Jamie looked down at Dan and Phil and in a quiet voice, she said, “Thank you.”

Like that, she was gone. And Marybeth. And Kate. _Kate._

They could hear her cries for them through the door, and they couldn’t go to her. They couldn’t wipe those tears away or tell her things would turn out alright. Dan had no idea if they would. 

Love wasn’t supposed be like this. It wasn’t supposed to have a time-limit or a countdown, but sometimes it did. Sometimes that’s exactly what love was—a ticking time bomb. 

And now, the bomb had gone off, and Dan was left with nothing but the rubble. 

 

. . .

 

_16 years later_

 

There was a knock at the door. Dan could barely hear it above the clatter and  commotion in the kitchen. Two of his boys were fighting over the toy in the cereal box. 

Kathryn always said there was no way around clatter and commotion when you had three boys, but Dan could swear he and his brother were never this loud. Not that he minded really. 

Silence was a lot worse than noise. He learned that years ago.

It had been a long road of rebuilding to get where they were now. For every two steps forward, there had been a step back, but they’d never given up. They’d been close, but they’d always kept each other breathing.

He loved his boys, but there wasn’t day that went by that Dan didn’t think of his little girl too. Even after all this time. 

As Dan walked down the hallway toward the door, his oldest son zoomed by on a skateboard. “What did I say about skateboarding in the house?” Dan called out.

Kieran hopped off his skateboard. “Sorry, Dad!”

“You better be getting ready for school!” Phil’s voice came ominously from somewhere in the house. He always found it fun to shout through the air vents like a weirdo. 

There was another knock at the door just before Dan opened it. A teenage girl was standing on the welcome mat. Her dark hair curled down to her chin and she was wearing black jeans and a classic rock T-shirt with some holes around the hem. She had a backpack slung over her shoulder.

She didn’t say anything.

“Hi, um, can I help you?” Dan asked.

She let out a loud breath. “Yeah, I’m looking for Dan or Phil Lester.”

“I’m Dan Lester.”

A small smile curled onto her face. She pulled her backpack around to her front and unzipped it. Dan expected her to pull out some pamphlets or magazine subscriptions, but she pulled out a weathered stuffed Totoro.

_It can’t be…_

She had the Totoro clutched to her chest. “I don’t know if you remember me, but my name’s Kate.”

 


End file.
